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Empty in every way

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"I feel empty. I'm empty in every way!" I'll never forget shouting these words at my husband through a flood of tears as he did his best to comfort me. I was inconsolable. As I look back at those nights without my HunnyBee, I feel a twinge of shame and guilt. As a person of faith, who really believes there is an almighty God who loves me, I rarely reflected that during those days. I had so many emotions, but was mostly filled with fear, hurt, and anger. I'll admit that I felt a lot of guilt, which manifested as anger with myself. How could I be so selfish to bring another baby in this world knowing my body doesn't handle pregnancy well? Did I jinx things because I prayed for my last trimester pregnancy pains to end quickly? I managed to make the situation my fault.

I pumped every night so I could bring my baby breastmilk. I felt like it was the least I could do for him. My husband and I woke up every 3 hours, though neither of us were ever really sleeping. I …

"The first night is the hardest"

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Tomorrow marks 1 month since my HunnyBee made his arrival and those 10 long days in the NICU almost seem like a lifetime ago. However, I promised to share, especially because I want to encourage DiversAble Models out there to be fighters and to always do what you know is best.

2 hours after my boy was born and we had just been transferred to our recovery room, the nurse came in to check my vitals. I was in pretty stable condition. At 35 weeks gestation, the hospital checks things on babies they normally don't check for, thank God. In the delivery room, HunnyBee's sugar level was tested and was at 38. I didn't know how to interpret this number at the time, but I was encouraged to breastfeed him as soon as I could. I tried, but because breastfeeding is quite the mission for me (another post for another time), I wasn't very successful. Back in the recovery room, my boy's sugar had gone from 38 to 24 and I saw the nurse race to get one of the doctors. His face looked p…

Behind the Scenes

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The last month or so has been a whirlwind, filled with tears...joy, pain, sadness, and many emotions in between. If you've been following my Facebook posts, you've been on the journey with me, but when I started writing about my pregnancy, I really wanted to focus on the uniqueness of having a baby as a person with Diverse Abilities. This post is intended to get back to that focus, which obviously includes the emotion, but can't ignore the more practical things.

At 32 weeks and 5 days gestation, I had a regular appointment scheduled with my high risk OB/GYN. That morning I woke up not feeling well and had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for over a week. That all to familiar heavy feeling in my pelvis, the one that caused me hip pain that never went away during my first pregnancy, was back with a vengeance. I went to my appointment and she decided to do an internal pelvic exam. I was only 1 cm dilated, but the baby's head was a bit low and my doctor felt I should…

Tick Tock....

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When will he arrive?? We're taking your very best guess! As many of you may know, I went into pre-labor a few weeks ago, but doctors were able to give me several medications to slow things down. Since being released from the hospital, I have had contractions about every hour! This is apparently not considered labor yet, so I've been hanging in, trying to rest, and trying not to cave into this cabin fever craze. Upon leaving the hospital, I was 2-3cm dilated and 80% effaced (sorry if that's TMI). Today I visited my OB/GYN and she did an exam. If it were up to her, she would have re-admitted me today as I am now close to 4cm dilated and at 0 station (meaning HunnyBee has settled into my pelvis and will soon start his descent). I requested to return home and promised to get myself to the hospital as soon as my contractions are 15 minutes apart (much lengthier time than most women, but the drs need the time to get me prepped). Though she scheduled me for another appointment next…

The Clock is Ticking

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It's been a while since I posted here, especially with a baby update, but I'm finally sneaking in a few minutes! Believe it or not, I'm well into my 3rd trimester. I'll be 32 weeks in just a few hours and I'm definitely feeling it. There have been quite a few obstacles along the way.

My veins are worse than that of an infant! I've had doctors who have been in the business for years poke and prod with no success. Any medical professionals reading this may be thinking, "I'm a pediatric nurse. I could totally get blood from you." However, many have tried, multiple times, and have failed. I travel on a train about 30-45 minutes to get to the one clinic where the one nurse who can draw my blood works. I've had to go back and forth between my high-risk OB and my primary care physician's office to find out what tests need to be done, then to draw the blood for said tests. I'm very blessed to say that all my test results have been clean!!

Howe…

Adopt KEEN New York

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I know, I know. Everyone wants a baby update...maybe a few more ultrasound pictures? I promise all that mushy gushy stuff is coming. However, I must once again depart from a baby update to share something I'm very passionate about.

Please do not mistake this for a political post. It isn't! I made the decision early on not to get involved in the talk. This is not because I don't care. I understand decisions are being made that personally affect me and my family. It's not because I have nothing to say. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm quite opinionated. I made the decision not to get caught up in the talk because I genuinely believe actions speak louder than words. I've chosen to continue living my life daily in a way in which my actions positively impact lives. When you bring together all the positive imprints on someone's life, that leads to real change, to transformation!

If you follow my social media, I shared a video earlier today that explained "The M…

Set Our Hearts on Fire

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There are updates I want to share, like Ezra's nursery theme, but as this is my last post for 2016, I prayed about sharing something a bit more impactful. Today my Chloe + Isabel team leader shared a story I found to be very thought provoking and empowering. As I pondered this story I'm about to share, I kept hearing this "small voice" telling me to think deeper about it. Here is the story:

Two physicians late in years...we'll call them Charles + Isadore, old friends from medical school, were visiting at Charles house one winter evening. Isadore had retired several years prior. Charles was still treating patients. 
As they were catching up, Isadore asked Charles how he could still be working after all these years.
Charles asked Isadore to try and blow out the candle on the table. Isadore did this with minimal effort. Charles then asked Isadore to blow out the fire in the fireplace. Isadore laughed, tried, but of course could not.
Charles said to Isadore..."When …